How to Walk in Love…

Here is a passage of scripture that has been on my mind quite a lot during the last week:

Jesus said, “If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax-collector. Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, truly I tell you, if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them” (Matthew 18:15-20).

If I understand this passage correctly, what we have here are instructions from Jesus himself about how Christians are supposed to resolve conflict.  I realize that Episcopalians and many mainline Christians don’t take the Bible literally and that may be the reason why many people do not recognize and follow its wisdom for living together in community.  Reports of people suffering due to anonymous allegations of unspecified and unverified behaviors, rumors, gossip, and threats of some form of retaliation are all too common in our churches.  We can change that!

When we fail to follow the approach outlined in Matthew 18, we are empowering a pathology of emotional terrorism in our life together.  Well meaning church leaders have protected people for years while they carried out organized campaigns that harmed the reputations of others who have absolutely no idea what they did to deserve such abuse.

What makes this even more curious is that, in most mainline churches, there are procedures based on the teachings of the New Testament that are supposed to be followed when there are serious legitimate complaints.  Following our canons, policies, and procedures, serious reports are to be properly filed with the appropriate authority.  Wrongs that are investigated and verified are to be addressed in ways that lead to reconciliation between parties to the dispute and/or proper disciplinary actions.  Those canons, policies, and procedures are based upon New Testament passages, such as the one above.

Whether one thinks the biblical teaching about Christian dispute resolution can be dismissed or not, how is it that church disciplinary procedures can be disregarded?  All members of Christian communities should be concerned about how we “Walk in love as Christ loved us and gave himself for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (Ephesians 5:2).

So, let me approach this in the first person.  If I have harmed you in any way – any way, no matter how serious, I’d like you to come to me and tell me about it in private so that I can have an opportunity to respond to you, explain my viewpoint, ask forgiveness, make restitution, or in some other reasonable way be reconciled with you.  I promise to do the same for you.  I won’t call somebody else and make them promise to hold what I have to say about you in confidence.  I won’t call somebody and threaten to create serious problems for you if they don’t get you to do what I want.  I won’t round up a group of people to join me in a rumor campaign against you.  I won't say that a "significant number of people" are saying this or that, I'll just speak for myself.

And, if you come to me about your complaints against somebody else, here’s what you can expect from me.  Firstly, if your complaint involves an infraction of church or secular law, I am obligated to follow the procedures outlined by those laws and so are you.  Secondly, if your complaint is more of a matter of hurt feelings, concerns about someone’s character, or your opinion of how somebody has behaved, I’ll ask if you’ve spoken with the other party and tried to work it out. If you have not, I will remind you that it is your Christian duty to do so or to set it aside.  Thirdly, if you want me to talk to that person about your complaint, you’ll have to give me permission to use your name.  Finally, if you tell me that you just wanted me to know but do not want me to do anything about it, that’s what I’ll do.

As a friend of mine said to me, “We need to try to do the right thing in the right way.”  That’s what Jesus admonition is all about.  The right thing is for Christians to live in love.  The right way is the one he has outlined.  I’ve seen it work, in my life and in the lives of people given into my care.  Someone came to me recently about a decision I had made.  Our conversation resulted in a reversal of my decision.  Not only that, it strengthened our relationship, thereby strengthening the entire Body of Christ.

None of us is without flaws.  Some of us have worse flaws than others.  Some of us are placed in positions of responsibility in which we are bound to displease people from time to time.  The remedy is beautifully outlined in this passage from Matthew and I commend it to all of us as the way to keep ourselves focused on his mission rather than personal differences, petty jealousies, vengeance, or personality conflicts.